But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
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