promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I will pee on everything he values.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
