my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
