we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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