HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
this boner is exhausting
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize