She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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