yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
