We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
