i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
