We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
