So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
