i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
