Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
