I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
