he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
