my mouth tastes like poor choices
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
