i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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