last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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