Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
