I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
