i need an iv and a liver transplant
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize