someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
