I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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