I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
