Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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