You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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