watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
