dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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