is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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