I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
