a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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