Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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