Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
