Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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