I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Randomize
