You're so nebulous sometimes
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
