He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
