Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
