I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
