I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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