Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
be right there i have to get my cape
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
