I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
