The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
