There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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