I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
