$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
