The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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