i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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