Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
