no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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