his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
