hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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