I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
