when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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