i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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