Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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