How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
