So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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