No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
someone owes me an orgasm
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
