I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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