he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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