Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
