If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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