I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Do you still have your period?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
