mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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