I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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