I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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