You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
