No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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